ABOUT LIFE

Jim Delpino, MLSP, LCSW, BCD, is a psychotherapist in private practice for over 33 years.

Email:  jdelpino@aol.com   Phone: (215) 364-0139.

Jim Delpino, MLSP, LCSW, BCD, August 2014

I Love You. Now Go Away.

At the base of all relationships between two people is a connection. The nature of that connection is unique to each relationship. Some connections are based on mutual interests while others are familial, or work related, or community related, or religious or spiritually related, or romance related, or sexually related, etc. However, the kinds of connections are not the same as their depth and vitality. Deeper and more vital connections are most treasured.

What draws us to others is hardwired into us as a species—it’s the heart’s desire to bond and connect and in some way merge with another person. When people discover a spontaneous connection they often remark about how natural and easy it was. That kind of interpersonal experience is part of a normal bonding process. When people connect, bonding hormones are released which create a heightened kind of experience. In this initial phase of bonding people often project all kinds of traits and characteristics to each other.

Enjoying a connection with someone else can easily distort perceptions. This is why people are surprised when someone else turns out not to be the person we thought he or she was. Folks often decide who someone is before observing whether the facts support an emotionally based projection. For example, it’s wise to assess whether a person is trustworthy before investing trust in him. This all too frequently becomes the downfall of the relational connection. In like manner, misunderstanding or misinterpreting the words of others frequently freezes or prevents a connection altogether. It’s easier to make a bond or fall in love than it is to keep a bond or stay in love.

What draws us to seek out or be receptive to bonding with another is not the same as what it takes to maintain, nurture and further grow a connection. While personality may draw people together, it’s character and integrity that keeps them connected. Character flaws fall into the categories of lying, cheating, stealing, lack of motivation, greed and the like. While personalities are malleable, character structure is more rigid and difficult to alter. It’s easier to learn how to be more friendly (personality) than it is to overcome greed (character).

In romantic relationships there is an even higher level of character required to maintain closeness. Having integrity—which generally means that the words and actions of a person are mostly synchronous—is a major key to progressing a relationship. Keeping promises, honoring agreements and striving to meet the needs of the other person are paramount in maintaining rapport and deep intimacy.

Nearly everyone has emotional wounds from past experiences and these very wounds often contribute to the walls couples encounter when they try to get closer. Knowing these wounds exist in a partner helps to prepare them for the arrival of a situation that triggers a fear of intimacy.

Fear of intimacy is the greatest saboteur of deep relationships. The two most common fears are abandonment and engulfment. Abandonment means the experience of a sudden loss of the loved one. Engulfment is a fear of loss of the self, as closeness and intimacy create an experience of “losing” oneself to the other. Abandonment fears are often presented as a need for reassurance, and a wish to be noticed and appreciated. Engulfment fears often manifest as a need for more boundaries and space. These are not feelings to be laughed at, judged, ignored or minimized. Wishing to have more closeness or more space are normal in the course of deepening a relationship. Having this awareness allows each individual to better navigate the depths of interpersonal intimacy.

Learning to expect walls and impasses along with learning not to take things personally is a wonderful skill to develop—seeing through the outer behaviors or words into the wounds being expressed is a major key in moving through impasses and blocks. Being able to know a partner needs more closeness and time and/or more space allows for the interpersonal dynamic to blossom more fully. Needs at this level are best expressed and dealt with directly. A simple statement of understanding the need—for example, “You need to hear me tell you I love you more often,” or “You need some time alone or away to think about this”—often reduces tension. Everyone wants to feel understood.

In order to have a vital connection, we need to: use our mind to choose a person of good character; allow our heart to fully open with love and compassion for the other; and have the wisdom to understand the ebb and flow of connections.